D. F. Krieger

Friday, May 18, 2012

GPS To DEATH!

I am home from my trip. I would have proclaimed it far more loudly yesterday, but I was too busy doing the zombie shuffle while making an important delivery. There is no way to express my elation over being home. I need a sign that says "Does not travel well." And I don't. I have several reasons why. One being because I guess I'm just really, really attached to my home. Another is because GPS units hate me.

Yeah. They hate me so much they try to kill me.

Imagine the following, if you will.

GPS: Ding! "Recalculating!"

Me: *In a tone made of demons, snakes, and lava* Shut up!

Husband: "Don't yell at the GPS! Last time you yelled at a GPS, it shorted out and died...mid-trip."

Me: "Hey, that was a matter of self defense. That *curseword* tried to kill me. It was a matter of kill or be killed."

Husband: "The GPS did not try to kill you."

Me: *Shooting him a look that should have killed him* "When someone yells at me because I didn't follow their directions to drive off a cliff and into a two-thousand feet deep ravine, I somehow start believing they are orchestrating my death. Call me crazy, but that doesn't exactly scream friendly to me."

GPS: Ding! "GPS signal lost."

Husband: "You just screwed up the GPS again..."

Me: "It's not screwed up. It's realized it's following the same path as its predecessor. It's revising its plan to murder me."

So, does anyone else find their GPS trying to murder them? I'm curious if I'm the only one. If not, I'd like to see how your GPS has tried to murder you. ~ D. F. Krieger

6 comments:

Raven McAllan said...

not mine but other peoples! Picture the scene.
I am typing ..yeah really, not playing on Fb checking stats or reading other people's blogs, real honest to goodness working on my m/m.
I hear a car,coming up my drive. It stops. I hear nothing.
I go into the kitchen and open door.
Outside is a car with two people in it.
"Can I help you?" note how polite I was when I really wanted to ask why the hell they were there disrupting my thoughts.
A window is wound down.
"your'e not the B and B'
"No, its round the corner." I give directions/.
"THe sat nav said here." "No"
explain again.
"But the sat nav said turn left, and you're not the b and b"
This is repeated several times.
Me losing patience.
"It means turn left where the road splits ten yard after my drive."
"BUt you're not the b and B and tha say nav said turn left.. and your not..."
"DITCH THE (BLOODY) SAT NAV, use your brain. The b and b is called *****. Our name on the gate is *****
"But the sat nav said turn left and you're not the b and B"
"How does $300 a night sound?"

This happens several times each tourist season. I do not use a sat nav. I use a map!

W. Lynn Chantale said...

I got a chuckle. I miss my GPS, but I've never had one try to murder me. When my family and I get home from a long trip I sing out "home again, home again, jiggity-jig."

Glad you made it home safely and in one piece.

Mel Jolley said...

Okay now I need another trip to Scotland, what's the name of that B&B? LOL. And yes Deadra your Decepticon GPS is trying to kill you! Mine just lies and sends me in the opposite direction of what I want but it hasn't tried to kill me... yet!? X M

Ann B Harrison said...

My sat nav hasn't tried to kill me yet but I have to say she has a warped sense of humor though.
We have been sent hours out of our way through the Australian bush on tracks that do not exist and have no resemblance whatsoever to a highway. But that's only my opinion. Nancy (as we call her) knows everything. She insists we turn into roads that don't exist as well, quite frequently in fact. If we ignore her she has a meltdown. Rather funny to listen to if you have a wicked sense of humor. I do and it makes up for the detours. There has to be something wrong with the woman that likes to piss off a machine. I just haven't figured out what yet!

Author Nikki Prince said...

Mine just likes to annoy me. It recalculates constantly. So perhaps it is trying to annoy me to death? Shoots the blood pressure up really quick with how much it does that.

Glad you made it home safe. :)

Nikki

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Sdhl3@hotmail.com