D. F. Krieger

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Writer Wednesday: Dom It, NO!

It's been awhile since I've climbed up on my pedestal and preached to the choir. Today, I'm not even doing that. I am going to climb on my soap box and yell at the you. For you, dear authors and readers, are the enemy. You're making me very angry, and you won't like me when I get angry. So listen up because I'm only going to say this once, "Stop acting like you know BDSM."

Yeah, that's right. I touched that subject. I didn't just touch it with a ten foot pole, either. I'm getting ready to rub up against it, smack its butt, and spoonfeed a painful truth down your throat. Read on if your gag reflex isn't already working overtime.

Let's go over some points. BDSM is not where a guy who has an "I'm an asshole, you shall obey my every word" complex ties up a woman and uses her like a whipping post for sexual pleasure. If you think that, you needed to just walk out now. Here's your cone of shame to wear while you go. I'm sick of seeing this in fiction and it makes me ashamed of you people.

BDSM is a complex relationship that takes tons of time and effort to develop. It is not club orgies where everyone is fucking a random stranger and screaming, "Yes, Master!" That's just gross. If you walked into the BDSM community with that kind of expectations you would get kicked out and labeled a "creeper." We don't like you guys because you are a threat to us all.

Yes, I just said US. I am an active participant in my community and I'm not ashamed to admit it. While I may be more knowledgeable than you on the lifestyle, I'll admit I'm still learning too. Which brings me to another point: do your freaking research, people. Goddess! You wouldn't write a historical romance without doing some research on the time period. You wouldn't write about a culture without first researching their customs. So why the hell do you think you can write about BDSM and not do any research? It IS a culture. You are offending an entire culture when you do it wrong; we're just still sensitive about openly being allowed to practice the lifestyle.

Note: If you can't do the research because it embarrasses you to look at those photos/ read about that sex toy/ learn about those custom between a Master and sub, then you need to find something else to write. Grow up and do it right, or don't do it at all.

Let me highlight some points on BDSM that you people can't seem to get through your heads:

* The relationship between a Master and his sub/pet/slave (yeah, see that? There are even complexities to the bottom role and if you don't know how to distinguish between them you need to what?...RESEARCH!) is a time consuming, lengthy situation. The Dom must learn his subs limits, why they have them, get a feel for their personality, and learn what they do like. All the while they must also be aware of each other as a person, as well as a role. It takes time, effort, patience, room for error, and talking. Lots and lots of talking.

* People in the BDSM community are big on asking for permission to touch during any kind of group activity. Even something as laid back as having a lunch together. Until they get to really know each other and be at ease, a Dom A will always ask Dom B for permission to even give a sub a hug that belongs to Dom B. Boundaries and limits are respected, and if they aren't, you will be evicted from the community. (Note: Some subs may have issues with being touched by anyone and again, this is where we refer to the prior *. A good Dom will know whether or not his sub is comfortable with being hugged, or being hugged by that particular person and will act accordingly.)

* When a couple participates in BDSM-related sexual activity, everything must have already been agreed upon and discussed. If it wasn't, your man masquerading as a Master sucks and needs to have his Dom card pulled. This means a Dom can NOT walk up to a random stranger and go "I want to fuck you," and proceed to do anything BDSM related without ASKING HER FIRST. Yes, how the hell are you supposed to know if someone has deep emotional scars or limits if you haven't asked them first? Example: I will kill you where you stand if you EVER think of shoving anything up my butt. My husband/Dom knows this and is completely respectful of it. He knows this isn't a gray area for me, and knows it isn't something that can have the limits pushed. He also knows why I have the issues I do. He learned all this by TALKING to me before anything sexual and related to it ever began.

I think I've highlight enough points that you should all be aware of from now on. You want to learn more, research it yourself. The point is, I swear to the gods if I come across anymore books where two strangers randomly meet in a club (especially if she is a BDSM virgin) and he proceeds to beat the crap out of her with a flogger while she's handcuffed in the name of sexual pleasure, I'm going to go Domme on the author's ass and beat them. I want to hear you scream "Red!" and your ass WILL be red by the time I'm done with you. Now, with that imagine in your mind, I shall leave you be. ~ D. F. Krieger


Doris O'connor said...

Hear, hear! :-)

Raven McAllan said...

Boy am I glad you liked my Book :)
It's like everything isn't it, read, research, learn and respect.

Lindsey Smith said...

Very well put!!

EsTilton said...

Very well said. I've often wondered how people can write about it when they have never even visited a club. That said, there are some groups who are into the stranger sex thing but those groups have very strict rules about showing up with papers proving you are clean and that is not really bdsm that is called orgy. Dur. Not dur on you, dur on the writers who think bdsm, orgy clubs, and swinging are the exact same thing.

SJ Thomas said...

Gosh I'm glad my story didn't invoke the wrath of Deadra. Very well put though and a perfect answer to all those who criticise BDSm books as promoting an abusive relationship.

gayl said...

Bravo! As with anything, research is key if you want to do it or get it right. Thank you for posting this.

Megan D. Martin said...

Wonderful post!

Annabeth Leong said...

Thanks for this! One of the phrases that gets my hackles rising is "true submissive." Way too often when I see it, it's used to mean, "Has no limits/never refuses or questions the dom." As a lifestyle submissive, I've worked hard to learn to communicate about my emotional state before, during, and after a scene (and, of course, my dom appreciates and respects this). In order to do this, I had to overcome a bunch of nonsense in my head about whether this meant I wasn't a "true submissive" -- and most of that came from reading bad BDSM stories.

Sally Max said...

Great blog post! I'm wondering what your opinions are on some of the really popular BDSM novels, like 50 shades of gray, The Sleeping Beauty trilogy, The Story of O, etc. I'm not well versed in BDSM literature, but I know these stories have been mentioned before when discussions have arisen. :-) Are there any good/realistic novels to look at, any ones to avoid?